Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Hardest thing

As some of you know, recently, my father passed away. I decided to blog about because I think I am still in shock. I don't think I have really allowed myself to deal with this...I think because there are so many emotions.

For the past several years, my father battled alcoholism. And it finally got the best of him.

As much as he did wrong, he was still my father. I think that I am grieving what will never be, instead of the actual loss of him. If that makes since. I know he is in heaven, and for the first time in his life I truly believe the things that haunted him on this earth, he is finally free of. He spent most of his life running and I am glad he is at peace now!

However it is a hard ball to swallow, knowing how desperately he needed to be saved (from his addictions) and yet for whatever reason, you could not save him. Oh, how we tried. We found every treatment out there you could find, and just when we thought he was going to actually kick it, he wouldn't just back slide, he would fall hard. I remember the time I went to see him in the hospital lying there, hanging on for life...knowing he was dying from self inflicting wounds. Oh it was so hard to watch. I just wanted to shake him real hard and ask him why are you doing this to yourself, why are you doing this to us!! Watching someone slowly kill themselves, leaves you limp less.

My sister called me saying she had not hared from him in a few days, so she thought she should go check on him, and when she did, she found him dead on the floor. She called me, and you know what, I could not even speak.

The hardest thing of it all, was going to the funeral home, to pick up my father's remains in this tiny box. In this box, was a man, who sometimes I felt like I did not even know. Yet, in this box is your daddy, the man who when he was able to kick the habit, had a heart of gold. Yet in this box is a man who when you got scared at camp, drove all the way to pick you up, still you know so little about his life. Yet, in this box is a man who drove you to school everyday, feed you and clothed you, still he feels like a stranger. Ye in this box is a man, who without him my life, and my daughter's life would not exists, still you feel this huge gap. Yet in this box, is a man who took you to church, and with out him, you may not have your eternal salvation, still this man had salvation, but allowed his problems to eat a way at him. Yet in this box, is a man whom you dearly loved and only wanted the best for, but he is a man who would not be saved.

Oh my dearest dad, how I love you, and so wanted our time on this earth to be different...

My sister and I returned his ashes to the ground (river) together, and watching them float away was like a big empty hole in your life float away with him.

So in closing I will say that I wish the beer adds would run an add of the picture that will run in my sisters head for the rest of her life. Instead, all we see in the beer or alcohol commercials, is people who are having the time of their life, and sending a message to you and me, that with out, you can't have a good time.

I say hog wash to them.


Kbroadway said...

Very moving and all very true, I could not have said it better! I am still in shock myself and am seeing a therapist twice a month hoping to make since of it all....we shall see!!
Love you and we all do the best we can and I truly feel daddy did the best he knew how.
I love you and are so proud of the strong, courageous, mother you are and have become.
Love ~ KK

Teresa said...

Hi Rachael,

Not sure if you remember me or not but I met you in our School of the Bible class at Rhema oh about 5 years ago or so. I have seen you on Jen's blog and have been checking yours out for a while now. I enjoy it! I love the pink!!

This post really touched me. I love the healthy balance you have in seperating your Dad from his addiction. And you have an INCREDIBLE point about the commercials. I agree with you 100% about showing the "real" effects that stuff can have on a family.

I'm sorry about your Dad. I'll be thinking and praying for you and your family.


M, J, B, G, Sam & Sadie said...

Wow, Rach, I don't know how I missed this post. I'm sitting here...barely able to type or see the screen for all the tears running down my face. I know exactly what you mean when you say your sad for what will never be.
Losing my grandma is hard...but losing a parent. That's a whole nother ballgame. One I hope to never have to deal with. It hurts for me to lose my grandma...but my mom...she just lost her mom. Her mommy. Her "mama" as she called her. That breaks my heart.
I am so sorry that you lost your dad this way. So many things that he is going to miss out on. Knowing your girls...seeing them graduate, coming to their weddings, meeting their children. It's sad and I wish there was some way that death didn't have to be a part of life.
One thing that I can't stop thinking...just imagine how people must feel when they lose a loved one who was NOT saved? I can't even attempt to imagine the despair and sadness in that. Praise God that our families are saved! (and the rest of the ones who aren't--will be in Jesus' name!)
You are an amazing friend and the more time that passes, the more I am convinced that God placed in each others lives for such a time as this. Who'd have thought...back when we made that plan to meet at McDonalds and then had to cancel..that we would finally meet up and become such close buddies? (and our hubbies..AND our kids!?) God did. He knew. and for that...I just have to say Thank You Lord! I think we've been there for each other at some very important intersections in our lives...and I hope there are many more (happy) ones to come!
Love you!
Gee whiz, am I sappy today or what? :o)