Happy 30th Birthday To Me~A few days early

Rachael Simmons July 12, 1978

Comes the Dawn
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand, and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love does not mean leaning
and company does not mean security.
And you begin to understand that kisses are not contracts
and presents are not promises.
And you begin to accept your defect
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today,
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and
futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
So you plant you own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong,
and you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn….with every good-bye , you learn.

I am saying good bye to my twenties…and hello to my thirties. When I turned 29, all the sudden it hit me that thirty was knocking at my door. I really struggled with this. But as the time grew closer and closer, this poem came to my remembrance. I dug through some of my old stuff and pulled it out. I posted it to share with you. Hope you enjoy!

I began to realize that over the last 10 years, my life has changed, and my life has changed me. One could read this as a poem about a break up, but not me. I use to read it like that, but my life has changed me and I see this poem in a different light.

….”you begin to understand that kisses are not contracts and presents are not promises. And you begin to accept your defects with your head up and your eyes open”…being married takes a lot of work! Your wedding band and the kiss at the end of the ceremony is just the beginning. I have learned that being married is not easy. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication. And the hardest part of it for me was seeing me for me and realizing I cannot change my husband, I can only change me. And maybe, just maybe…it’s me that needs to change. I have had to take a long hard look in the mirror, and see that that reflection looking back at me, wasn’t really what I wanted it to be…and taking the steps...Mentally and physically to change that.

…..”So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers”… This was a hard one for me. I looked to Shawn for my happiness. So over the past few years, I have had to dig down real deep and see that I had to learn to love me. How could I expect my husband to love me, if I could not even love myself? I had to accept things I did not like, and learn to love me for me…falling in love with yourself is not an easy thing.

Thankfully I did have some one holding my hand through this, but his name is not Shawn, its God. I learned to let God decorate my soul and plant my garden with the things he wanted to see grow in me. And I have to say this year I am more in love with myself than ever before. There are still things I would like to change physically AKA, my weight, but for the first time, I am happy just being me! I have learned to love me the way I am today, and be satisfied with this person! God showed me one day in my heart, that until I really learned to love this person, I could not become who I wanted to be. I was allowing my weight to dictate the value I had on my life, and God showed me that even with the weight, I had value.

So as I approach my thirties, I am working on my weight, but in a new way. I use to want to be thinner for all the wrong reasons. Now God has put my head on straight and now being thinner does not mean happiness. I really do not want to be thin; I just want to be healthy. I want to make sure I am around to enjoy my kids, and grandkids. As well as do the work God has called me to do! God showed me, that even though the weight was unhealthy, he still loved me. He is teaching me how to make good choices and how to take care of this body, after all He is the one who made it, and He knows what this body needs more than any doctor or diet! I am a mommy to 3 precious little girls, and I want to teach them to love their bodies and to be satisfied with who they are on the inside and outside.

So as I embrace my thirties, I do with my head held high!

“And you learn and learn…..with every good-bye, you learn. So as I sit back and look at my journey through my twenties I am thankful for where I am today. I have held my “head up and my eyes open, with the grace of a women.” So as I say good bye to my twenties I leave knowing that I did not end this journey the way I started. I learned that I “really can endure, I really am strong and I really do have worth.”

Happy Birthday to ME